Monday, 11 March 2013

Pushing People

I don't know if you have ever seen Any Given Sunday? If you have then I am sure that you remember the speech.
One of the most inspiring speeches I have ever heard. With themes of overcoming adversity one step at a time, inch by inch, coming together as a team. However there is one line in that epic monologue that has struck a chord with me recently. "I chased off anyone who has ever loved me, and lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror"
Very dramatic, I know. Possibly over dramatic, but it sets a scene.
It is because I feel like I have chased off anyone who has ever had the potential to love me. For the third time in my life, I have been told that a girl that I have liked has feelings for me, just as I am about to leave.
I am about to move to Birmingham, permanently. Yet a girl who I liked from first meeting her has now admitted to liking me.
She is beautiful, intelligent, and we get on really well. I have always thought that. Yet, when I met her she had a boyfriend, and my confidence being the way it is, I wrote off the possibility of anything happening. Why? Because why would she want to be with me?
This is a real problem. If I was bold enough to try to get what I want without fear of failing, then we may have been together. Yet, this is only the tip of the iceberg.
Now I have this knowledge, I have changed. Gone is the person I am to everyone else. In steps an awkward  cretin, uncomfortable in his own skin, uncomfortable being himself.
I am going away, that is the facts of it, but rather than embrace feelings, enjoy our time together, I am pushing away. I think I am doing it for the right reasons, rather than abuse her feelings and use her for a cheap shag before leaving, I respect her, I believe that she deserves better, I believe she should have fun.
So I told her. I found it so hard to even talk about this sort of thing. And she got it, she was accepting and open to it.
Now I find myself telling her my most embarrassing stories, subconsciously trying to lower her expectations of me. Trying to prove her feelings wrong. I took a decision when I was 16 that I was going to do what I wanted, and prove the 'nice kid, but will never achieve' people wrong. I decided to do what interested me. Yet I now I have taken this to heart, and prove that I am not worth her feelings, I am worthless.
I feel like that. I always have, I don't take compliments well, and I always struggle with anything that reflects me, good or bad. Yet that's not her fault. If anything she has looked beyond my flaws and sees the good in me. However I am drawn to convince her otherwise.
Also, I have a fear of disappointment and rejection. I am mostly scared of disappointing someone else. Yet I am convinced that through trying not to disappoint and be rejected, all I achieve is disappointment and rejection.
However, she believes in me, shes never had a bad word to say. Other people say the same, people at home, people I have met abroad. Yet there is a block in my mind, anything positive is cast aside with a 'they don't know the real me' statement. This is arrogant and self indulgent. Its time to stop.
I need to face life without fear, because fear only breeds regret. I don't want to wake up alone. I need to be better, if not for myself, but for others who are brave enough to open up to me.

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