Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Choices and Change


It has been too long. Maybe this will dig me out of my hole of ideas wasted and block forming around the writing in take of my brain.
Well for those of you that follow this blog, know me in real life so probably have an idea of whats been going on with me the last few months, but I am going to recap anyway.
I have since left M&S. I feel that was one of my best decisions to date. I felt decisive and took action. I do not regret it in the slightest, I followed my heart and did not compromise.
Since then however, I haven't used my time to its full potential. I have been locked in a battle between a lack of writing and ideas, and the distractions of drinking and football manager.
This led me into an unhappy mood for a long period, feeling like I wasn't moving forward or making the most of the time that I had won for myself. That's not too say I haven't done anything positive. I have been down to London to watch NFL, AFL and, in a new experience, tennis at the O2 arena. I also ran a half marathon, and I mean ran the entire 13.1 mile distance, in a time of 2 hours 15 minutes, a true achievement. That feeling of achievement and being proud of myself that I hadn't felt since I left the USA a year before. However, the ideas form in my head, but the book I am working on still sits there, unfinished and, almost, unloved. I started a new project on the side, once again adding to a 'workload' in which I worry about, but lack motivation to actually do.
I recently read something I had written at my lowest. A frank account of me from myself. Brutally honest. I still agree with those sentiments, but I need to make a change.
I have been inspired by a number of things in the last few days, America has been set with decisions to make yesterday, and I felt if a country can make a decision about its future, whether to stick with Obama or twist with Romney (in my opinion by the way, great choice America, that Romney looked a bit mental our side of the pond), its about fucking time I made a decisions about mine. Also I watched an interesting documentary on crime writer Ian Rankin, and the struggles that he went through in trying to write his one book a year. It proved to me that what I am going through and the uncertainties I am having about my own work are normal.   I just need to keep putting words on the page.
Also I feel this is the right time to make this change. On the job front, things are looking up. I have 3 interviews and a job offer on the table, so fingers crossed that will be coming to a resolution in the next couple of weeks or months. Once I get that it will be one more step up the ladder to becoming a more content person, I hope.
The main thing is that I need to write more. This used to be my passion, and I am honest in the fact that this is one of the things that I actually believe in myself about. I need to do more and I need to finish some projects. I need to chase that sense of achievement that I desired and that I tasted ever so briefly after my marathon run.
Now I realise that this blog may lack a structure but I feel that this could be the start of something. Start of life again. At least I hope so.

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