Life. The choices we make, the paths we choose, the chances we take and squander. It all effects the future and present at the same time. Intertwined with that is feelings of achievement and regret.
Deep. I have been thinking about this recently. I have had some big decisions to make in the last few months, so, being a negative person, I often dwell on decisions and mistakes. I often don't give myself credit for the few decisions that went well.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not going to spend this whole blog patting myself on the back. Its not my style. What I will say though is blogging about this now, makes sense.
Those who know me know that, at this time of the year, I, as most of them like to put it, like to 'fuck off' to the States. This year, in fact, is the first time in four years that I am not. For the first time in ages, I am staying here. Holding the fort.
Now this has left me in a sort of uncertain and uneasy vacuum. I have held the camp as a form of security blanket over the years, sometimes possibly running away from problems, or even responsibility.
There are reasons for this. I enjoyed the camp bubble. I enjoyed the reflection of community that it gave, but one in which I was on top, well known, and liked. I was confident. Confident in myself and what I was doing, and this confidence showed (well at least some of the time). I felt like I could achieve things, I could follow what I wanted.
Most of all, I loved the friends I made there. Not that there is anything wrong with my friends at home, I am very lucky to have very good friends here. The friends at camp were different, they don't reflect home, some don't even reflect my country, and they were the catalyst for that confidence and for me to achieve.
Now that is why I find this year frightening, which I find insinuating that not flying to a different country on my own frightening baffling, but thats the way I think of it.
I actually saw a few of those friends recently, and got into a booze soaked late night/early morning conversation with one, who has been around from the start, about us both entering the camp frame as wide eyed 18 year olds to now. We both came to the same conclusion. Now is the time for responsibility. You are responsible at camp, you are looking after children, its the ultimate responsibility, but at the same time its different to running your own life. At ages 18-21 you can get away with messing about, shirking responsibility. At 22 and 23 that changes, thats society, but I also I think it is a change within yourself, almost a feeling that you are running out of time, which isn't true you have a long time to go, but also at the same time it feels like being young is over and you have to make the next step.
As I alluded to earlier I have struggled with decisions, so the decision not to go back to the camp was massive for me, but you may be surprised to find, I think I made the right one.
Now I wouldn't say that my step is complete, I am hardly doing what I want to do. The path ahead of me is as dark and clouded as ever, but I feel like I have at least started the step.
Having said this, the air of uncertainty is killing me, but I think this was the time to make the step.
However, I want to thank those friends for their influence. I want to thank them for the drunken nights and days. I want to thank them for the jokes and laughs. I want to thank them for reading (if they are actually reading this). Finally, I want to thank them for the experience. This is the end of era for me, and I wouldn't change it. It was something that I actually got right, for once. For that thank you and good luck holding your fort!