Most of the time I feel like a problem. Most of the time my attempts to be clever are bereft of any class or wit. I seem to be constantly making mistakes.
No one particular problem has brought this on and by many accounts I am not in any huge trouble with anyone. Not that I know yet. However, this is just a reflection on myself and how I want to make myself better.
Also I hold my hands up, as I alluded to in one of my recent blogs, I haven't been myself recently. I haven't been sociable, and I have felt that quality of my written word has been nothing short of poor for the last month.
Many people will turn to me and say that simply isn't true, I have just been out pretty much the entire weekend, and I have written, after this is complete, three blogs in around a week. Factually correct yes, but I felt like I could have done better, maybe not from the social stand point, but certainly writing.
I know what the problem is, lack of confidence and no belief in myself to use my skills or keep friends. Yet I have always been this way, I have never believed, I have never actually had heart.
I have drive and determination, but I lack any self confidence to make the work out for me. I honestly feel like a walking contradiction most of the time. I regularly point flaws in myself and my work, and refuse to take in anything good said about me, with always a feeling that its said just to be nice or to move the subject on. Writing that last sentence has genuinely sickened me. People who care and are interested enough to say that I am good at or enjoyed something I did; and I openly rebuff their compliment in a refusal to believe them. What a self-centred prick! I am lucky that I get compliments at all
I also know that I have a tendency to over think things. I am one of those who sends a text or email, and that if its not replied to within an hour, I begin to worry. Not that they are at work, broke their phone, or are just generally busy, no its that they have decided that they don't like me. Times this by 1000 when I have done something that got on somebodies nerves, and if I actually genuinely did something for somebody to hold a grudge, then that could tip me over the edge.
People say not to care about what people think about you, but I do, because I live in a constant fear that I am going to lose my friends.
It is also not to say I have got better with age and these have turned from pubescent insecurities into an adult self assurance. If anything it has got worse. Even the friends I have made in America haven't boosted my confidence that I can make friends, it has just given me more friends to worry about, who are too far away for me to get to.
I have also realised that this sounds like depression, but I want to make this perfectly clear, this is not a cry for help. You are not going to find this splashed on twitter, in the hope that people are going to turn round and say nice things to me. This is a public reference point for me on the issues I need to address; a turning point, the time when I pick myself up, dust myself down and sort my fucking life out. If I continue being like this, I will never enjoy anything and will live a lonely existence; pushing away anyone who cares.
I need to change. I need to become more self-confident. I need to focus on myself and not on others. I need to take and enjoy a fucking compliment.
Yet though I have constantly in the back of my head lyrics of the Infadels song 'Make Mistakes'. "We all make mistakes from time to time, and every moment I'm awake, I'm making mine." Now in my mind, that really fits the bill.